animal jokes

two roaches

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.

"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines."

"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"


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An amazing talking dog

A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."

Bartender: "Yeah! Sure...go ahead."

Man: "What covers a house?"

Dog: "Roof!"

Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"

Dog: "Rough!"

Man: "Who was the greatest ball player of all time?"

Dog: "Ruth!"

Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."

The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"


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Three very tough mice

Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.

The first says, "I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!"

The second says, "Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!"

Then the third rat gets up and says, "Later guys, I'm off home to harass the cat."

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Never talk to the parrot

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"

Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.

As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"

To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"

mnzn
ang Luv
prang ib0n..

keLngn
pLayain..

keLngn
pkwLan..

bbLik
yn
kng tLgang
pra sau..

kng
ndi..



BARILIN m0!

Bwisit na ib0n yn!
Ch0osy..!
Hehe..c",)

ahahahaha QUOTES yan bro tattoo eh. . . pwede n rin hahaha s bandang huli nga nmn. .

Hahaha wla aq makitang iba eh

question : bakit tumitingala yung manok pagkatapos uminom
answer: nagtatanong kasi ganito ang sabi, diyos ko po bakit nyo ako pina iinom di naman ako umi ihe

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lips.

Little girl: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a sh*t."

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A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack". The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another".
The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another".

As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?"

The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having s*x with her."

The bartender says "Geez, what did you say."

The man says " I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"

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A magician on a cruise liner had a parrot, who'd seen all the magician's tricks a million times, long ago having figured out how the magician made everything in the act disappear.

The parrot got bored, his owner growing stale and not developing any new tricks that the parrot could figure out. One night in the middle of the magician's performance, the ship hit an iceberg and sank.

Everyone drowned except the magician and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage and climb aboard, immediately collapsing from exhaustion.
Soon afterward, the parrot flew to the magician and perched on the edge of the makeshift raft and stared at the magician. And stared. And stared.

For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot didn't take his eyes off him. Eventually the magician started to stir. Looking up, he saw the parrot, still eyeing him intently, not even blinking.

Another hour goes by, and finally the parrot squawks, "All right, I give up. What did you do with the ship?"

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a coke, you cow!"

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a coke for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another coke dogface!"

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another coke but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now you old goat!"

The next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you've got some guts!


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A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet each other. Neither one remembers what kind of animal they are, so they decide to feel each other.

The rabbit says, "You feel me first." The snake says okay, and he starts feeling the rabbit.

He says, "Well, you have fur all over, and a little cotton tail, and two long ears, and big back feet..."

The rabbit says, "I know! I'm a rabbit! Yippee!" Then the rabbit feels the snake.
He says, "Okay, you're long and thin, and slimy all over, and there's a little forked tongue..."

The snake says, "Oh no, I'm a lawyer."


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A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.
The vet answers, "$650."

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

kng alm nyo yng 2nog n mga hayop n i2 magegets nyo yng joke ko...

Isang araw, napaihi ako sa likod ng bakod ng tatlong hayop, isang kambing, baka at pabo. nang umihi n ako, nagbubulungan ang tatlong hayop:

Kambing: umiiiiihi, umiiiiiihi...
Baka: oo NGA, oo NGA.
Pabo: anlakelakelakelake!!!

umorder si kidlat ng LATS.. gusto ko imported, eto foreign dealer. NAME: korasakov

Riiiiiing!
Kidlat: Helo i order LATS, Big ones!
Korsakov: Are you sure?!! Its expensive Sir and quite dangerous..
Kidlat: Yes, me rich, no problem money. ipis dangerous??!! o come on! kidding! Send me 20 big at once!

Order & payment settled..

Kidlat received a package from korsakov
Labeled: Here is your order, please be careful! Goodluck!

Kidlat: hanep Lats nasa film containers. Imported talaga whew


After opening, black crawling creatures came out!!

At the back of the box there was a small label that says
Scientific Name: LATRODECTUS MACTANS

Tattoo wrote:

mnzn
ang Luv
prang ib0n..

keLngn
pLayain..

keLngn
pkwLan..

bbLik
yn
kng tLgang
pra sau..

kng
ndi..



BARILIN m0!

Bwisit na ib0n yn!
Ch0osy..!
Hehe..c",)

choosy pala sir tattoo eh! wahahah!