Pinoy Humor

Sa Hospital...

Doc: Iha, mukhang pumapayat ka at hinang hina pa. Sinunod mo ba advice ko na 3 meals a day?

Girl: Diyos ko! 3 meals a day ba? Akala ko 3
males a day eh!!! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

------------------------------------------------------------------------

May nagpapa-translate sa akin ng signage sa tagalog: "Emergency Exit"
ang sabi ko, "MADALING LABASAN...? Tama ba? Parang bastos ata. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lalake: Pag tayo na, magkasama na nating haharapin ang mga problema.

Babae: Pero wala naman akong problema..

Lalake: Kasi nga, hindi pa tayo. Wag ka excited!! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sa Sauna:

Attendant: Sir, gusto mo ng tirafi?

Guest: Anong
tirafi? Baka therapy?

Attendant: Tirafi po talaga sir. After you
tira me, you give me fee. uki? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mr: Hon, buksan mo ang pinto!

Mrs: Sori, hindi pwede. Wala akong suot.

Mr.. (tumawa) ok lang. Wala akong kasama.

Mrs: Ako, meron! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tip for a long life:

Wag mo isusulat name mo sa condolence book pag
dumalaw ka sa patay. Kasi pagkatapos ng libing nagkakaron ng raffle kung
sinong susunod.... [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Guro: Pedro late kana naman.

Pedro: Late po kasi relo ko.

Guro: Problema ba yun. E di i-advance mo.

Pedro: Sige po.

Guro: Oh, saan ka pupunta?

Boy: uwian na! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mrs: Kung alam ko lang di sana ako nagpakasal sa iyo! ABS ka!

Mr: Anong ABS?

Mrs: Alak, Babae, Sugal!!

Mr: Eh ikaw CBN!

Mrs: CBN?

Mr: Chismosa, Bungangera, Nagger!. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

------------------------------------------------------------------------

May dalawang lalaki sabay nag jogging:

Guy 1: Pre, doctor ako. Kaya ako tumatakbo kasi HEALTH conscious ako! Ikaw pre? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Guy 2: Snatcher pre! WEALTH conscious ako. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bakit binaril ng bobo ang girlfriend nya?

Kasi sinubukan nya kung
totoong FIRST LOVE NEVER DIES!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pasahero: Mama, dahan-dahan lang po. Alalahanin nyo na palaging nakasunod sa atin ang disgrasya!

Drayber: E, kaya ko nga binibilisan para di tayo abutan! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kasal...

Pari: Ikaw lalaki, tinatanggap mo bang maging kabiyak ang taong ito
habambuhay?

Lalaki: Opo, Father!

Pari: At ikaw naman malanding pokpok kang bakla ka mukha kang kabayo, 'akala mo siguro ang ganda mo sa gown o,'ano? Tinatangap mo ba ang lalaking ito na hindi ka magsisisi kahit magkabaon-baon ka sa utang sa pagsustento sa kanya?

Bakla: Father, sabihin nyo lang kung tutol kayo sa kasal na ito kesa naman
tumalak ka diyan, naka mic ka pa naman. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

------------------------------------------------------------------------

(sa isang turo-turo):

Customer: Manang, meh langaw sa arrozcaldo ko!

Tindera: Hello! Sa halagang P5.00 anong ini-expect mo....manok? [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tom: Alam mo pare, my new wife is a sex object!

Jerry: Wow! Maganda pala ang napangasawa mo pre!

Tom: Hindi naman. But everytime I
want to have sex, she objects! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

------------------------------------------------------------------------

PO1: Bakit po K-9 ang tawag sa malalaking aso, sir!

SUPT: Syempre pag tinawag mo silang K10,
hindi na sila aso

PO1: Ano na sila sir?

SUPT: maliit na pusa... [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]


------------------------------------------------------------------------

Anak: Nay, yung girlfriend ko hindi naniniwala sa langit at impierno.

Nanay: Sige, pakasalan mo anak, ipatikim mo sa kanya ang langit, ako na ang bahala sa impierno. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Isang ina ang nagsilang ng napakapangit na sanggol.

Ama: Isa syang kayamanan.

Ina: Oo, nga! Ibaon natin!.......

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A husband asked his wife, "What do you like most in me, my macho face or
my sexy body?

The wife looked at him from head to toe and
replied, "I like your sense of humor". [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Russian: Sir, we got huge order from USA for 16 inches condoms. I think it is to embarrass us.

Putin: No problem! Complete the order and mark them SMALL SIZE! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy picks up a girl for a date.

"Why are you wearing your belt
around your knee?

Girl: I promised mom that I wouldn't let you
touch me below my belt.... [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

i enjoy reading while laughing alone .......buti walang nakakakita.
more!....more!....more!

more jokes pa po,,haha

more kuya...

ahaha ang cute nito more more more

Mag-share lang din po ako hehe


During one of her daily lessons, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks her students the following question: “Michael, If you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”

Michael says “Just a minute, I have to go pee.”

The teacher responds by saying, “That would be rude and impolite. What about you, Sherman, how would you say it?”

Sherman says, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”

“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at dinner table. And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?”

“I would say, ‘Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.”

The teacher faints.



Sex Frogs

A blonde went to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looked about the store, she noticed a box full of live frogs.
The sign said:

SEX FROGS
Only $20 each!
Comes with “complete” instructions

The woman looked around excitedly to see if anybody was watching her. She whispered softly to the man behind the counter, “I’ll take one!”

As the man packaged the frog, he quietly said to her, “Just follow the instructions!”

The blonde nodded, grabbed the box, and was quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closed the door to her apartment, she opened the instructions and read them very carefully.

She did EXACTLY what was specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then got into bed with the frog quickly, but to her surprise … NOTHING happened! The blonde was very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-read the instructions and noticed at the bottom of the paper it said, “If you have problems or questions, please call the pet store.”

So she called the pet store. The man said, “I’ll be right over.”

Within minutes, the man was ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomed him in and said, “See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions. The **** frog just sat there!”

The man, looking very concerned, picked up the frog, stared directly into its eyes and said sternly:

“LISTEN TO ME!!!!! I’m only going to show you how to do this ONE… MORE… TIME!!!!”

wala bang tagalog?hahaha

ay sori lemuel nakita ko lang yan sa libro e hehe gusto mo tagalugin ko?? ahaha

lemuel0909 wrote:

wala bang tagalog?hahaha

bkit lem d mo b nfeel? kakatuwa nga e..

haha cgeh te di ko gets masyado yung iba eh,,haha

ahaha

more

Wg m na tagalugin malaswa hahaha. Very nice

One Stone - This was his Indian name given to him
because he had only one testicle. After years and
years of this torment One Stone cracked and said, "If
anyone calls me One Stone again I will kill them!" The
word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young girl named Blue Bird forgot and
said, "Good morning, One Stone." He jumped up, grabbed
her and took her deep into the forest, and there he
made love to her all day, he made love to her all
night, he made love to her all the next day, until
Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that One Stone meant business.

Years went by until a woman named Yellow Bird returned
to the village after many years away. Yellow Bird, who
was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw One
Stone and hugged him and said, "Good to see you, One
Stone."

One Stone grabbed her and took her deep into the
forest where he made love to her all day, made love to
her all night, made love to her all the next day, made
love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird
wouldn't die!

What is the moral of the story?
(You'll love this ...)





Sometimes, You can't kill two Birds with One Stone !

> A middle age woman decides to have a face lift
> > for her birthday.
> > She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about
> > the results.
> > On her way home, she stops at a news stand to
> > buy a newspaper.
> > Before leaving she says to the clerk,
> > "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old
> > do you think I am?"
> > "About 32," was the reply.
> > "I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily.
> > A little while later she goes into McDonald's
> > and asks the counter
> > girl the very same question.
> > She replies, "I guess about 29."
> > The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47."
> > Now she's feeling really good about herself.
> > She stops in a drug store on her way down the
> > street.
> > She goes up to the counter to get some mints
> > and asks the clerk this
> > burning question.
> > The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
> > Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank
> > you."
> > While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks
> > an old man the same
> > question.
> > He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is
> > going. Although, when I
> > was young, there was a sure way to tell how old
> > a woman was. It
> > sounds very forward, but it requires you to let
> > me put my hands under
> > your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old
> > you are."
> > They waited in silence on the empty street
> > until curiosity got the
> > best of her.
> > She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go
> > ahead."
> > He slips both of his hands under her blouse and
> > under her bra and
> > begins to feel around very slowly and
> > carefully.
> > After a couple of minutes of this, she said,
> > "Okay, okay,... how old
> > am I?"
> > He completes one last squeeze of her breasts
> > and removes his hands
> > and says,
> > "Madam, you are exactly 47 years old."
> > Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was
> > incredible,... how did
> > you know?"
> > The old man replies, "Promise you won't get
> > mad?"
> > "No", she said.
> > So he replied, "I was behind you in line at
> > McDonald's."

Foul-Mouthed Parrots


A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquires.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responds.

The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"




UNIQUE PARROT


A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique
gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's
looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.

He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees
that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing.
The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out
a lighter.

The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot.
Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night." The husband
is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager
moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing
"Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect and
that he'll take him.

The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this
wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the
parrot's special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's
left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter
under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells." The
wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband
what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead.

Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the
bird begins to sing - - "Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!"

ayos tangal ang pagod

waaaa! dagdag pa kayo mga sir!

3 lalaking lasing pauwi na s kanikanaling bahay

lasing 1: pano yan pre mauna na ako sa inyo eto na yung dyip na papunta sa amin
lasing 2:ingat pre
pagkalipas ng ilang minuto
lasing 2: pre mag tataxi na lang ako malakas na tama ko para siguradong makakauwi ako, ano di ka ba sasabay sa akin.
lasing 3: di na kailangan mag taxi dre
lasing 2: bakit
lasing 3: hihintayin ko na lang dumaan yung bahay namin dumaan dito

delikado palang magbasa dito habang nasa trabaho.. nagugulat mga kasama ko kung anong nangyayari at tumatawa ako. hahaha!

late na ako kakabasa jokes nyo.

post naman kayo nang bago...